"'We gotta rescue this horse,' Lula said. 'I can't take a chance on crappin' up my karma now that I'm gonna be a supermodel.'
'What's with all this feng shui and karma stuff?' Connie asked Lula.
'I got my horoscope done, and it said I needed to be more spiritual. I looked into being Catholic and it sounded like a real pain in the ass, so I'm going with Asian shit.' "
Plum Lucky Janet Evanovich
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Getting my Freak Flag up There as High as I Can
So I have a little issue. If I used it properly I could invent an interesting diet. The Never Eat What You Love Again Because the Mere Thought of it Will Make You Gag Diet. It an interesting concept.
Here is what happens. Last week I decided to make Chili. I bought special lean meat, chopped everything just so. Lovingly added spices, even used beer to deglaze the pan...this was going to be the best chili ever made. I made some rice to go with it. It took about an hour for me to make everything. Man did the house smell good. I put some rice in a bowl, and piled some Chili on top for Doc. I put some rice in a bowl and put some chili on top for me. As I turned to put the bowl on the table (oh, I am gagging already and we are a week past this), I saw it. Sitting there nestled in the top of the chili. Not a finger, not a bug, not a piece of dog fur. It's not a bandaid, or dog food, or anything that would make anyone else stop in their tracks. Nope, it was one lonely piece of my own hair. It could have fallen in while I was spooning the chili. It could have fallen in while I was cooking. It doesn't matter. It was there and that was it. The gag started and I put the bowl down on the counter. I sat at the table and watched everyone eat their dinners while I fought back the urge to run to the bathroom and hurl.
I never ate any of the chili. It was up to Doc and the Nephew to consume it over the next few days. I may not eat chili for quite some time, which is a shame because I love chili. Other foods I can't eat anymore? Cinnamon Raisin Bagels with butter, and Oatmeal with raisins. It's much much worse if the hair actually makes it into my mouth. I actually saw a hair on the outside of a bowl of watermelon salsa and had to look away as Doc removed it. It took me about 10 minutes to start trying to eat it again.
So, it could be a very effective diet. I really could eliminate anything fatty and delicious just by putting a piece of my hair near it. God help me if I am at someone else's house and it happens from someone else's hair. I may not eat anything for a week. Who am I kidding? I can't go an hour without eating.
As I sit here writing this, I am gagging left and right. It will probably be an hour or so before I can get myself to have breakfast now. Flying the flag high and proud.
Here is what happens. Last week I decided to make Chili. I bought special lean meat, chopped everything just so. Lovingly added spices, even used beer to deglaze the pan...this was going to be the best chili ever made. I made some rice to go with it. It took about an hour for me to make everything. Man did the house smell good. I put some rice in a bowl, and piled some Chili on top for Doc. I put some rice in a bowl and put some chili on top for me. As I turned to put the bowl on the table (oh, I am gagging already and we are a week past this), I saw it. Sitting there nestled in the top of the chili. Not a finger, not a bug, not a piece of dog fur. It's not a bandaid, or dog food, or anything that would make anyone else stop in their tracks. Nope, it was one lonely piece of my own hair. It could have fallen in while I was spooning the chili. It could have fallen in while I was cooking. It doesn't matter. It was there and that was it. The gag started and I put the bowl down on the counter. I sat at the table and watched everyone eat their dinners while I fought back the urge to run to the bathroom and hurl.
I never ate any of the chili. It was up to Doc and the Nephew to consume it over the next few days. I may not eat chili for quite some time, which is a shame because I love chili. Other foods I can't eat anymore? Cinnamon Raisin Bagels with butter, and Oatmeal with raisins. It's much much worse if the hair actually makes it into my mouth. I actually saw a hair on the outside of a bowl of watermelon salsa and had to look away as Doc removed it. It took me about 10 minutes to start trying to eat it again.
So, it could be a very effective diet. I really could eliminate anything fatty and delicious just by putting a piece of my hair near it. God help me if I am at someone else's house and it happens from someone else's hair. I may not eat anything for a week. Who am I kidding? I can't go an hour without eating.
As I sit here writing this, I am gagging left and right. It will probably be an hour or so before I can get myself to have breakfast now. Flying the flag high and proud.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
A bed fit for a mouse....
Have you ever had the perfect thing to say, at the perfect time and actually said it? Once in a blue moon this happens to me. Usually I spend the next two days thinking of the perfect thing to say, which would have been witty and funny and made everyone laugh. But, once in a while, I can pull them out.
This goes back a few years, but it makes me laugh every time I think of it, so you are fortunate to have me share it with you.
Island Girl and I were visiting a friend who had an apartment with her sister. Her boyfriend came to visit and ended up moving in with them. When Island Girl and I visited our friend...I have no idea what to call her, so she shall just be Friend, we received the grand tour. During the grand tour, I noticed that Friend had only a twin bed in her room. I asked her, out of curiosity, where the Jerk (because that is what he turned out to be) slept, did he sleep on the couch?
Friend "No, he sleeps with me"
Me "How does that work?"
Friend "Oh it's fine, I sleep on the right side of the bed"
Me "FRIEND! Are you kidding? The whole thing is the right side of the bed! How is that comfortable?"
Friend "Oh, it's fine"
ME "Ok....(whatever)"
I am pretty sure Island Girl had a choice comment as well. I think of this all the time. I loved that I came up with that on the spot. It so rarely happens, and I don't think I hurt her feelings, it was just funny. There it is, hope you liked it.
This goes back a few years, but it makes me laugh every time I think of it, so you are fortunate to have me share it with you.
Island Girl and I were visiting a friend who had an apartment with her sister. Her boyfriend came to visit and ended up moving in with them. When Island Girl and I visited our friend...I have no idea what to call her, so she shall just be Friend, we received the grand tour. During the grand tour, I noticed that Friend had only a twin bed in her room. I asked her, out of curiosity, where the Jerk (because that is what he turned out to be) slept, did he sleep on the couch?
Friend "No, he sleeps with me"
Me "How does that work?"
Friend "Oh it's fine, I sleep on the right side of the bed"
Me "FRIEND! Are you kidding? The whole thing is the right side of the bed! How is that comfortable?"
Friend "Oh, it's fine"
ME "Ok....(whatever)"
I am pretty sure Island Girl had a choice comment as well. I think of this all the time. I loved that I came up with that on the spot. It so rarely happens, and I don't think I hurt her feelings, it was just funny. There it is, hope you liked it.
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