Catchphrases

Through this process a few phrases have taken on new meanings to me.  Freshstart, independent and self reliant, somebody I used to know, people suck.  The first two have a sense of irony for me.  The third caused panic attacks at one point and the last one, well it's just true.  It's all good, there's another one, and do you remember that everything happens for a reason?  I still believe it.

What good can possibly come of this situation? Well, I fell harder than I ever thought I would, but you know what?  I picked my self back up.  I did it, not him,  I did it.  I am learning how to love and trust again.  I worry that I will always have a wall up, but in reality, that's not who I am. I may be more practical this time around, but love is too precious to shun it.  Someone very dear to me apologized for having a disaster of a life right now.  Anyone who says their life isn't a disaster or hasn't been a disaster at one point is a liar.  These disasters make us who we are, we learn and grow and find less disastrous situations and people to enjoy them with.  Those are actually adventures, and they can be pretty amazing.

So, I am taking a fresh start at an independent and self reliant life.  I have moved on from the somebody I used to know.  It's all good, because everything happens for a reason.  And while people suck, I seem to have found a few that don't, and that is pretty amazing.

Soundtrack

Throughout all of this drama, I have leaned very heavily on music to get through my days.  I have a list called "compass".  I'm sure you can figure out the meaning behind that name.  Its gone through several stages.  At first it was sappy, "I love you, don't leave me" music.  Then it changed to "I don't need you music".  Now, I think now it's reached it's final incarnation.  It's all about me.  It's music that makes me happy, that makes me think and it's music that represents what I want out of life, love and friendships.  It's music that I sing at the top of my lungs when I'm in the car.  It's my soundtrack.

Technology is a Wonderful Thing

For an awful lot of reasons, technology is fantastic.  It connects us in ways I never would have imagined.  It's funny to think that I am now getting to an age when I look back at the technology I had when I was young and shake my head at what's available today.  When did I get that old?  My boys will never know what it is to be unplugged, unless I force it on them.  We are always plugged in, some days more than others.  I threaten once in a while to shut the electronics down, but, honestly, I am just as bad an offender as they are.  Although, the tv is not on quite as much as it used to be, but they still watch things on their devices.  Oh well, a mom can only do so much.

An Open Letter

You know who you are.  We have known each other for a very long time.  I will always love you, as one always loves someone who has been such an integral part of their life for such a long time.  We have had many fun times, you have made me laugh many times.  You have stood by my side through a lot of crap.  You have made some choices that weren't the best, but I know why.  That is all that matters.  You can wake up everyday and go to bed everyday knowing that although I was almost broken, I am not.  I have confidence in myself, I have my Schaeffer luck with me, and I know that  there is someone out there for me, just as there is someone out there for you.  We will always be part of each other's lives.  I will never make any choices that intentionally hurt you and I know you will never do that to me again.  We have difficult times ahead, meeting new people and figuring out how to bring them into the family.  If you believe that the person you bring into your life is an asset to your life and our children's lives, then who am I to question, and vice versa.  It is time to let go.  The guilt will not help you move forward.  Turn around and start moving forward.  It's ok.  I'm ok, you're ok and our family, though a different structure, will be just fine.    Oh, and with all sincerity, in regard to all of the good moments, thanks, thanks a lot.

It's done!!

2012 is ending...phew.  2012,  you kind of sucked.  You had quite a few ups and downs.  I can look back and appreciate all the good things you brought.  But when I look back and see the bad stuff, well dear old 2012, you can settle into the corner over there with 2005.  You both were naughty with your nasty, rotten, surprises mixed in with good things.   You both made me cry, but 2012,  you took the cake.  You almost broke me.  But you didn't.  I may be three extra shades of crazy because of you, but I can live with that.  I have learned so much this year.  I have learned that I am damn strong.  If you didn't break me, nothing will.  I have learned that I have great friends, and a wonderful family that will always be my family.

Well 2012, see ya later.  I am not going to miss you.  I am bringing with me the things that I cherish from you, and I am leaving the rest behind.   I make no grand resolutions this year.  I will do what I can to rebuild my life and my heart.  I will take care of my boys and I will make no excuses for how I manage to put humpty dumpty back together again.  I will live my life by my code of honor and morals.  I will behave as I always have, though I may be a little more guarded with my heart and trust.  I see big things on the horizon.  I see hope.  Actually, 2012, I will not be seeing you later.

Oh That Sneaky Tent

It was right there!  Did you see it?  Oh I swear it was right there.  It was a beautiful sight too.  That yellow tent.  It was inviting and warm and it posed the possibility of endless trust and love and comfort.  Oh, but wait...it's gone.  That's ok.  Don't you remember?  I told you that the tent was just an illusion.  "What's happening?",  you may ask?  Sure, go ahead and ask.  My marriage has ended.  The tent has been moved.  All the trust I had, shattered beyond recognition.  I lost my marbles for a short while there, well, actually I dropped them.  I have found most of them.  The ones I can't find, well, I figure I don't need those anymore.  I'm heading down a new path.  At first it seemed to be a scary hopeless path.  But that was just the beginning of the path, it's opened into a beautiful garden, and beyond that there is a clearing, and beyond that?  Well, I think I may see the yellow tent.  I'm going to head in that direction.  Wherever this path may lead, I am hopeful, because sometimes the tent moves for a reason.  And what of that pesky yellow tent?  It still holds the promise of endless trust and love and comfort.  It is just not exactly where I thought it would be.  That's ok, change is scary, but not always bad.  And beyond the tent?  Actually above the tent?  Is the moon. The moon is always there with it's beautiful light.  While the tent is unpredictable, the moon is very predictable.  I'll let it help me find my way.

And the Band Played On

I have said that changes are afoot.  I still can't really write about them yet, some of you know what they are, some may be able to infer, but it's not the time to spell it out.  They are big changes, and while at first their potential crushed me,  I have been able to climb up and learn to breathe again.  I lost my marbles for a bit because of this.  I have found almost all of them at this point.  I think I prefer to be missing a few, I probably didn't need those anyway.  Maybe I will find some new marbles that I've never had.  These changes that once terrified me and broke me down to a point where I didn't know who I was...these changes are something I am now looking forward to.  I see the potential in them, I am embracing the potential in them.  I will never again be broken the way I so recently was.  I will be ok.  As we move into the holidays, I am praying for peace for myself and my family.  I pray the same for you.

Where is that damn tent?

Big changes are afoot, and as I look back and reread the few posts from earlier this year there is a sense of foreboding, of things to come.  I am not ready to write about the changes just yet, but I will be soon.  It's amazing what trickles out when writing from the thoughts roaming around your head.  It's eerie now to go back and see what I have written and to know what is to come. 

For now, I'll share this fantastic picture of the boys, me and my photo bombing mother in law.  She's awesome. 

Lordy Lordy...look who's 40

a little verklempt

I like where this is going

My girls

Belle and Beast 

I know you

Tigger and Pooh and the party girls

umm...i could do this more often

Grand Floridian

Yeah...that's right

Just before we got kicked out of our poolside table...how embarassing

Oh...did I mention?

...that we went to Florida over the summer?  We went in August for 9 days and had an amazing time.  We did a split stay at Disney World.  We spent 6 days at Pop Century and 2 at the Animal Kingdom Lodge.  Our initial plan was once and done.  That's it, we never need to go back.  Then we got to the Animal Kingdom Lodge and realized that it's almost impossible to do one and done there.  There's too much to see and too much fun to be had.  We made it to Universal Studios too.  I had something posted at Orlando Informer as a result of that trip.  It was hot as Hades, but we managed it.  There were a few notes to self that I will put into place the next time we go.  So, we look back fondly on our trip;  I follow lines chat everyday so I don't lose sight of the prize of going back as a family ; and what do you know?  I managed to sleaze a birthday trip in with Island Girl in May.  We won't be staying at Disney, but I will get her to Epcot!!!

It's an Icon!!

All Aboard

Wands don't kill people, people kill people

Outside room at AKL

Another new year...

So it's 2012 and what's new? I have been working on some non-major health issues which have resulted in taking dairy and gluten out of my diet. I feel so much better and I am sure I will post more about that soon. I am still having back and leg issues which have derailed my hope to complete a marathon this year. I'm hoping to heal enough for my black belt test in May.

It's a big year this year. We have three 40th birthdays as well as a 60th and an 85th birthday this year. Lots of good things.

Our happiness is slightly tempered by a few friends who have been or may be soon divorced. We feel for them and don't know how to help. It seems more the rule than the exception these days. I found out today that a friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer over the holiday break. It's amazing how on a dime what's a simple and happy life takes a dramatic turn. Please say a prayer for her.

So it's a new year with exciting promise for us. We are sending out prayers and hope for our friends who are going through such trying times. I hope your holidays were peaceful and the new year finds you well.

Life Lessons and Ramblings

When I had my first son my mother in law told me to be ready because it's always going to be time for a birthday or for Christmas.  That time just zooms by and before you know it, it's his birthday, and then it's Christmas , and so on. She was right.  It's almost December.  November seems to be crawling by this year.  Which is working in my favor, because technically I am not late in putting my Christmas decorations up yet.  The boys are getting big, and want big things.  While my husband and I, we seem to look for less and less.  I can always find stuff to put on my wish list, but we tend to just get things when we want them or need them.  So I'm a bit of a hypocrite when I make my kids wait for special days to get new things, or go see a movie.  I am trying to get them to understand what things cost and how a night at the movies can be almost half of our weekly grocery budget.  A night at a restaurant, is the rest of said budget.  Buying a blu ray every time a new one is released is gas money for the cars.  It's a concept that my older son is grasping.  My younger son is beginning to get it.  We've started allowances.  They get paid for doing their chores and have to put some into savings, but the rest they can spend.  I'm wondering if they will buy each other gifts this year, or if it will be everyman for himself as far as cold hard cash goes.  I am a terrible spender.  I like things.  I grew up having things handed to me whenever I wanted them.  No was not in my parents vocabulary.  Which wasn't a good thing.  It led to bankruptcy for my father and hard lessons later for me.  I have learned and manage myself much better now but it's a constant struggle with myself.  It really seems that yesterday we were in college and planning to get married.  Now, a home, a boy in the navy and two preteens.  Time flies.  Here's hoping to more cohesive thoughts soon.  And here's to a lovely holiday season.

Looking at the Bright Side

A dear, dear friend is having surgery this week.  It's a big, big surgery.  The good news is that she should be fine after and she will have a fabulous rack.  The good news also is that she won't need chemo or radiation.  The bad news is that a dear friend is having a big surgery because she is one of two people who has ever been reported to be going through what she is going through.  2 out of 7 billion people. She describes it as shit luck.  I guess you could call it that. I can't even imagine how this is rattling her and her family.  I don't get to see her as often as I would want to, but when we talk it's like we just saw each other a few minutes ago.  We've been through great times in our lives and devastating times in our lives.  This is a devastating, yet ok time because what a traumatic event this is, but how fortunate that this is it (hopefully).  It reminds me of my husband and his crazy health things that happen.  Maybe this is one of those times when a greater force is making a person who does so much for so many take an imposed vacation.  Not that recovering from surgery is a vacation, but she will have people taking care of her, which I think she has earned. My friend does a lot, for her family for her friends and for her job.  It is this strange situation, much like my husband's issues, where though it is serious, it will most probably be fine once all is said and done.  She is eternally thoughtful and lovely and does not deserve to be going through this, but I am glad it is just this.  I love you my dear, dear friend and I know you will be fine.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Imagine what next summer will be like with your fabulous new rack.

Keep it Simple

What to write, what to write...I want to be sure to stay with the blog, so it's my goal to sit and write about something 5 days a week.  We shall see if that happens.  But the first step is having something to write about.  It's not that I lack thoughts or ideas, it's just there are too many.  Some silly, some serious, some maybe controversial so try to stay away from those just yet.

So, what to write about today?  How about the simple joys of life.  A morning workout with a friend.  A funny word from Brian.  Making Kevin laugh.  An appreciative glance from Ray.  The dogs and their crazy greyhound ways.  A beautiful pre fall morning.  A busy weekend topped by a baby shower for the latest addition to the Dusseault clan and his lovely Mommy to be.  Looking at one of my sisters - in - law and knowing that she is probably thinking the same thing that I am and laughing about it.  Looking forward to school drop-off because it means I get to see my mom friends.  Church, because the priest makes me think but doesn't force thoughts in my head.  Music, because it hits my soul and makes me laugh, or cry or just remember something that was tucked far away in the recesses of my brain.

What are you enjoying today?

Your Mother Must be so Proud

...is what I thought sitting two cars away from the light of a major intersection yesterday.  I thought this as a probably 14 year old "young man" led his friends across the street no where near the crosswalk and between cars.  I thought this as this 14 year old white boy with his "wife beater" top and white boxers nodded with a smirk at each driver sitting in traffic and said "hey what's up".  I know he had white boxers on because he may as well have not been wearing any pants.  He wasn't just "bustin' a sag", the waistband of his jeans were very carefully placed around the tops of his thighs, so yes, I could see his ass very clearly as he walked by.  Thank God everything was covered by those very white boxers.  And as he passed my car I looked at him, and he looked at me, nodded his egotistical nod in that  way only a teenager with this kind of attitude can manage, said "hey", I shook my head and said, "your mother must be so proud".  I don't get it.

"The only way past this moment is through it."

I found this title in my lists of posts, but apparently I never did anything beyond making a title.  The quote...I have no idea where it came from now, but it's a pretty good quote.  It's an important notion.  How do you get through a tragedy? Here is the answer.  You move through it.  You don't get over it,  you don't forget it, you move through it.

There is a family in my neighborhood.  A lovely family.  A mom and dad, a husband and wife, a man and a woman that when you see them, you just like them.  You don't even have to know them, you just feel like you like them.  Three little girls, three sisters, three daughters,  that smile and run and jump and just made you smile when you saw them.  A horrible accident has taken one of those girls, one of those sisters, one of those daughters away.  For now, normal no longer exists.  Life stopped for a while for this family. My God, how do you get it to start again.  How do you breathe when you can't find the air?  You look to the children.  The sisters, the daughters, the girls...I smile when I see them because for everyone who feels the pain for this mom and dad, this husband and wife, this man and woman,  the mere sight of the girls brings hope and joy and the knowledge that yes, life does go on. And I smile, because they run and jump and make you smile.  These girls, these sisters, these daughters, bring the love and joy only children can when such an unthinkable event happens.  These girls, these sisters, these daughters, these reminders that life goes on, tell us, ready or not...here we go, let's breathe now.

So, while I know that this family will never, ever get over what has happened.  I know in my heart that they will move through it.  And I know that that precious girl, that sister, that daughter, will help them move through it.  She will guide them like the angel she always has been, and they will find a new kind of normal that embraces her memory and keeps them moving forward.    This mom and dad, this husband and wife, this man and woman and these girls, these sisters, these daughters, this family, they will be ok.

The Joys of Incompetence

I have never done anything that has made me feel more incompetent, than be a mom.  I have a master's degree,  doesn't mean I am super smart, it means I worked for it.  I am good at what I do for work, by far not the best in my field.  I think having kids definitely interferes with my ability to pay attention to advancing myself at work.  That's a choice I have made though, I'd rather be able to stay home with a sick kid and help with homework.  It's an interesting balance of working and being a parent.  I work part time and often feel that I am being torn in many many opposing directions.

I have all the respect in the world for mothers who work full time and still manage to be present at their children's activities and help them with homework.  My gut tells me that they just make better use of their time.  They are more organized than I am.  It's easier to say that, than look at my lack of time management.  I'm really bad at it and often put housework and report writing on the back burner to.....nothing.  Sure I help with the homework and reports and go to games and activities, but I really waste a lot of the rest of my time on....nothing.  I have to change that.  I will change that.  

I find homework and projects awful.  Here's why.  My older son is a perfectionist, but not in a "wow that's a great report" kind of way.   It's more of a "please stop crying!  You can do this, just write something!  Write anything!" He can't start writing, he wants it to be perfect from the first letter, so he needs help.  I am the one he comes to because I am softer in my approach with this kind of thing. I am the one he comes to because I don't yell (mostly), however he doesn't think I know anything. This poses a problem.  When I make suggestions, he looks at me as if I have three heads.  I have come to the point where I tell him "don't think, just listen to me and write", and it works for now.

I was wondering last night, how does he see me?  Am I just the person who cooks and sometimes cleans and always shops?  Have I set this up because I send him to his father for answers due to the fact that he often asks me something when I am smack in the middle of another task which actually requires my full attention.  I have often said to him, "I do actually know how to do things, I've done everything you're doing and I did it well".  Doesn't matter.  So I sit here, helping him and feeling incompetent because he doesn't trust that I know what I am talking about ("Yes, I swear to God, one of mistakes on that Atlas is that Europe is way too big!  Fine, wait for dad to tell you the same thing").  I also sit here knowing in my heart that I have the skill set to help him and if I can just get past this disbelieving child, I may help him earn an A.  I may help him figure out how to just come to me and show me the final project and be proud of what he was able to do.

please, please listen to me

Pulled Pork (Oh this should have happened oh so long ago)

Many many months ago,  Island Girl and I spent a Sunday making pulled pork.  We had some fun taking pictures with the notion of a blog post, alas, poor Island Girl, the pictures sat and sat in cyberspace.  But here they are now.  Rejoice and join me on this journey to yumminess!  

Red onions sliced and placed on bottom of slow cooker

IPA beer and chicken broth

Pork loin, and dammit if I have no idea what we put on it

Everyone in the pool!

The pulling of the pork many hours later

Everyone back in the pool

The rolls....oooh and it looks like paprika may have been involved
at some point

looks good and I believe barbeque sauce
made an appearance in this step

Island Girl digs in

yum yum yummy

We thoroughly enjoyed our pulled pork.  A lesson has been learned.  If you write the post immediately, you will remember all of the ingredients.

time sure does fly...

Hey Ho Howdy,

Time sure does fly when you waste it.  A common theme among recent posts I suppose.  What's new here?  Well I continue to find new ways to avoid doing any productive work both in the house and at work work.  My most recent?  A trip to Disney and Universal that is soon approaching.  I am over the top excited for this. Of the four people in my home, I am the only one that has been there, and that was a long time ago. It eats up every brain cell I have.  I don't expect us to have anything close to a perfect trip, but I am expecting that we will have fun.

So what else?  Let's see....

The Nephew is now in the Navy.  Holy Crap! 

We went on our first big trip sans children to see him Pass in Review!!

The Nephew all handsome.  Well done Sailor!!

There was a parade and our newly crossed over boy scout walked in it!

There was a 10th birthday!

And an 11th birthday!

I tested for my black stripe in Tae Kwon Do!

The cursed spinning hook kick.  Just about did me in.

And he tested for his red stripe!

 And a baseball player was born!

Challenger League baseball is one of the most inspiring
 things I have ever seen

It's been a productive Spring and Summer so far.  Let's see if I can't get myself back in the swing of things here.  Happy day to you.

And now for something different...

I'm running to the yellow tent today.  Feel free to join me.